At the pilot’s words, “We are starting our descent.” all the anxiety I felt about this trip to Israel vanished as if it had never been. Yes, I was exhausted, and yes, I went into sensory overload mode while in transit. The headache was ever present and I was wobbly much of the time. But now, at my excitement over returning home all my woes were forgotten–I was giddy, I felt beyond wonderful.
And the bloody brain did its magic–I was fine, I always was fine, and I always will be fine.
During my first few years after the surgeries, I lived very much in the moment. I had trouble remembering the recent past, and the future was an abstraction, completely irrelevant. Planning ahead was practically impossible. I still have trouble preparing for future events, such as trips or lectures.
Since those early years, my memory has improved as has my sense of time, and I have become better able to think ahead. But to this day, overwhelming fatigue exacerbates the changes wrought by the bloody brain. In particular, the future loses its grasp on my reality and the recent past becomes hazy, bringing me into the moment.
Travel exhausts me, and as a result, if I have a headache, my life is pain, all is pain. If my balance is acting up, it will always be so. And when I am in the midst of a case of sensory overload, deep within the chaos that is my mind, there is no escape, I will be stuck there, forever.
And now, in my excitement at approaching my homeland, my home, though exhausted, I feel fine. In fact, I feel great. Yesterday’s headache is long forgotten and I haven’t had balance problems in years. I know that the last time a bout of sensory overload plagued me was eons ago, even though I underwent such an episode mere hours ago.
I know that as I feel fine now, I have always felt fine, and I will always feel fine.
I know that there was no reason for anxiety—all will be well on this trip.