Deb Brandon: Living in Radiant Color


That’s it! Enough!
No more doom and gloom.
Yes, I want to be honest in my writing. I want to share the bad as well as the good, and everything in between. But I’ve been writing about too much of the bad lately, about my fears, about suicide.
Recently, the topic of suicide seemed to shadow me wherever I went. I read about the semicolon movement. I read a book that centered around depression, and another that mentioned suicide. Several people have wanted to talk to me about depression. I wanted to talk about it. It came to me from all directions, so I wrote about it. I needed to write about it.
Also, over the last month, I’ve been dealing with a lot of bad brain stuff. It hasn’t been easy. Actually, it’s been really hard. And I’ve been afraid off and on, of another bleed, of having to go to hospital. And I wrote about it.
But the doom and gloom are only a part of my life. Patches of bad stuff. But once they are over, they are over. Yes, they may revisit me. In fact, I know they will. After all, the bloody brain is a part of me and my life, and with it comes plenty of bad.
I know it’s important to write about these issues. But I’ve had enough.
I immerse myself in my writing. And lately, my writing has been bringing me down. I suspect it’s been a bit of a feedback loop. I need to break loose.
fresco, probably by Domenico Zampieri, c. 1602 fresco, probably by Domenico Zampieri, c. 1602

Yes, the bloody brain has caused many losses and has made my life harder, but most of the time, I manage fine, I’ve learnt to live with it. It has also brought me a lot of good stuff—heightened awareness, stronger connections, new friendships, deeper bonds. And writing. Writing, writing, writing.

It’s time to return to the good, to write about life. Life with me as I am, with all aspects of the bloody brain.

But for now. I’m done writing about the dark and stormy nights in my life. Nor will I write about unicorns and rainbows. Instead, I will write about the good and maybe the not-so-good and the not-so-bad. But no more bad. I can’t do it anymore. I need a break.

I’ve had enough.